Comment: This sentence sets a serious, reflective tone that introduces the gravity of the writer’s situation. It captures a moment of realization, which is key for a personal statement. Starting with a strong opening that engages the reader and using vivid, emotionally charged moments draws the reader in, as this establishes the central conflict and invites reflection on personal growth.

Comment: This sentence highlights a common issue (bullying or body image concerns) and demonstrates the writer’s attempt to mask their hurt. It makes the essay relatable and sets up a moment of internal conflict. Struggles and vulnerabilities can be acknowledged openly, helping to create a stronger connection with the reader. Moments of weakness can provide emotional depth in an essay.

Comment: This clear statement of the stakes highlights the seriousness of the situation. It marks a moment of realization that change is needed. Clearly identifying a problem or challenge is important. Doing so provides clarity and helps guide the reader through the essay, making the eventual solution or change more impactful.