Comment: While the structure of these short sentences is powerful in an introduction as it grasps the reader, their content can be perceived as cliché. Thousands of applicants could write and relate to the same phrases, which means that the applicant is likely not to stand out to admissions officers. It is particularly important to show uniqueness at the beginning of an essay, where the reader should be interested and positively surprised.

Comment: This sentence does not provide an engaging start to the paragraph. Not only is the sentence long and structurally plain, it also does not include exciting or nuanced content. To improve this essay, the writer should begin with a more engaging sentence that captures the reader’s interest immediately.

Comment: While this sentence is impressive, the Common App essay is not the place to explicitly show off one's tangible achievements or statistics. Not only do such statements and numbers not belong in this essay because they simply ruin its flow, but they might also be interpreted by admissions officers as signs of arrogance. Instead, these achievements should be listed in the Common App Activities List section.