Comment: This is a striking and emotionally raw opening, which could immediately draw the reader in. However, the phrasing “the five-year-old me and a single mother” is grammatically off and makes the sentence feel clunky. More importantly, the student should clarify the emotional weight of this moment, what did it feel like in that silence? Was there confusion, fear, or anger? Admissions officers will likely respond to vulnerability, but it’s essential that the writing is both polished and reflective. Making this more specific and grammatically smooth would elevate the emotional stakes and provide a more mature lens on the memory.

Comment: While this line transitions into the broader impact of the father’s departure, it feels a bit generic. The phrase “financial woe” is vague, and “a shadow of its former self” is a common idiom that doesn’t offer any concrete detail. The student could strengthen this section by giving a clearer sense of what changed, did meals become irregular, did they have to move houses, did access to education become precarious? Painting a fuller picture of hardship would not only enhance empathy but also provide a more vivid backdrop for the resilience that follows.

Comment: The dilemma here is real and incredibly important to showcase; it adds urgency and stakes. However, the sentence becomes difficult to follow due to the overly complex structure and awkward use of “clinically utilize.” The student should aim to express this internal conflict in simpler, more natural language that still retains emotional depth. Highlighting the emotional toll of having to choose between survival and ambition could make this moment more powerful. Admissions officers want to understand how the student responded to the pressure, not just that it happened.